Saturday, September 25, 2010


It's definitely been a hard 2 weeks, emotionally. Autumn is a great distraction, but I found myself going on "auto" mode. Just kept going because I had to, but once Autumn was napping, I didn't do anything. I didn't really think about anything either. I just felt numb. I didn't like it. And even though it was supposively a normal phase in grieving , it still didn't feel right. After talking to a couple of people I found that it's really ok to feel this way. That my faith is God is keeping me sane and helping me to move on. I've also learned that it's actually really selfish to sit and cry all day long because then I'd be only thinking about myself and not Zakary. I feel that I cry at the appropriate times (usually at night, when I'm tired). I think about him every now and then, but I do realize that I can't dwell on him 24/7. I'll never forget him, but it's not fair to Jordan and Autumn to sit and do nothing all day because I can't get over him.

Last week Wednesday I went and got bloodwork done. This is a normal procedure to make sure that your body is no longer "pregnant". Thursday I ended up going to my doctor's office for a follow up appointment. The most exciting part was stepping on the scale because I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight (woo hoo). I also found out that my hcg levels were 425. Not sure what they were before this all happened... Got another pelvic exam and my doctor took out what he thought was my placenta. They sent it away for testing and I haven't heard back since (so I'm assuming everything's ok). My doctor said that he didn't feel the need for me to follow up on more bloodwork because he's pretty sure that he got everything out. Definitely made my day (I hate needles). He gave me some antibiotics for "just in case". Then gave me the ok to start trying again after my next period. Just to verify any confusion... Jordan and I decided that we're gonna wait til we get a house. That way we're not freaking out over last minute stuff to rush into a home :-)

Jordan and I ended up burrying Zakary's tree today. We ended up getting him a weeping cherry tree. We thought it was fitting for the situation and they're easy to transport. We'll end up moving the tree when we get our own place. We also burried Zakary as well. We ended up putting him in a different spot so that we too can move him to our new home. It was definitely a lot harder than I thought. I couldn't even place him down in the hole that Jordan dug up for him. Couldn't do it. Jordan did and I instantly went to tears. I thought I would feel a lot better after we finished too, but I don't. I feel very blah and on edge. I know that he's in a better place and someday we'll be able to meet him. I'm sure there's still a lot of emotions I haven't dealt with yet. I wasn't really sure how to handle most of them in the first place. I think I'm gonna be giving my aunt a call soon...

Autumn also turned 1 this past Sunday. I honestly cannot believe I have a 1 year old already! This year has flown by like crazy. I wrote Autumn a letter that I wanted to post on my blog. Now that my life is getting back in order, I'll make sure to post it and her birthday pictures soon. Her birthday was wonderful. It was perfect! The weather was beautiful and we had a great turnout! A lot of friends and family came to help celebrate her first year of life. She got the perfect amount of toys and clothes. Not too many of either. Thank you to all who came and made her day wonderful :-D

Autumn had her 12 month appointment this past Tuesday. She weighs 20 lbs, 6 oz and is 29 3/4 inches long!!! Her head circumference is still in the above 95th percentile (that's because I have one smart baby, hehe). She also got 3 shots (frown). These were a bit harder on her this time. Not to mention that she also had a cold that she was trying to get over as well. Ended up getting a mild fever and wouldn't go to bed without cuddling with mommy for a while. I won't lie, I didn't mind too much ;-) Autumn's still excelling in her growth and development. She's doing things that her pediatrician would expect in a 15 month old! Her pediatrician is also very proud of me for still nursing Autumn! Speaking of nursing... Now that things are slowly going back to normal (for my body), I'm gonna start working at producing more milk volume. I would like to be able to nurse fully at night instead of also giving her a bottle. I'm not too concerned, I've done it before.

I think this is enough updates for a while. I want to thank everyone for reading my blog and sending me your kind words, thoughts and prayers. It's amazing that so many of you have also gone through this situation and I'm honored that I was able to give some of you peace. I also want to let you know that I did mention before that we did take pictures of Zakary. I won't post them on my blog because I do not want to offend anyone, but feel free to ask. I have no problem sharing them with others. He really is a beautiful little baby. I love you, my friends and family, so much. You were all there for me when I needed you the most and I am forever grateful for that! God is good!

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