The Lord Remembers

I started off typing a blog about Jordan's ankle, to fill you guys in on our interesting weekend. Things have taken another turn. If you follow me in facebook, you've probably already noticed my prayer request in the middle of the night.

(Just a note: I will go into detail with some things, so it may not be for the faint-hearted)

It all started Saturday. After Jordan's fun ankle breaking afternoon, I noticed that I was spotting. Not a big deal, it could happen during any normal pregnancy. So I just kept my eye on it. Tuesday afternoon it got worse. Some pretty bad cramping and heavier bleeding. I called my doctor right away and they suggested that I go to the urgent care center. We get there around 5pm and get all checked in. Finally able to get an ultra sound. This is where I started to feel like just another number. The tech rushed so fast through the whole thing and didn't really pay attention to me. I hated it! I could almost tell that something was wrong. I've seen my fair share of ultra sounds and the baby wasn't really moving (that I could tell). The tech tried to check the heart beat, nothing. Then she checked for the blood flow and still nothing. I didn't believe it though. I think I was in denial at this point. Nothing was confirmed yet, so I was trying to push it over and told myself that everything was ok. After a lovely pelvic exam and waiting for it seemed like an externity, the doctor finally came in to tell me the news...

I will never forget that day. That feeling. My world stopped, but my head didn't. I forgot who I was, where I was. The only thing I heard was "I'm so sorry". She didn't need to say anymore. I didn't want her to say anymore. I was trying to build myself up for that moment. Told myself that maybe I could get by with just choking up. Then I could cry at home. But when your heart stops and you can't feel your body anymore... it's uncontrolable. I couldn't stop crying.

The drive home was ok. I felt numb. My mind couldn't grasp what was going on. I immediately turned to God. I told myself that He ultimately is in control. He knows why this happened and the reason why it did happen. I didn't blame myself, I still don't blame myself. As much as this hurts, I realize that God has a big plan for us. Maybe the timing wasn't right. Maybe there was something wrong with the baby or my body wasn't ready. Who knows?! I was nervous about coming home. Mostly because I wasn't sure if Autumn was awake or sleeping. My parents were watching her. We finally left the urgent care center around 8ish and got home around 8:30. Telling my parents made me nervous as well. But I didn't have to say anything. The second we walked in, my mom saw my face and knew right away. We didn't say much, my parents and I. Talked a little bit about what happened at the urgent care. We may have talked a little bit more, but honestly, I don't remember. I feel like that night was a blur. Autumn was sleeping when we got home. I felt a lot better about that because if she tried nursing with me crying, she would have easily gotten stressed out and probably not go to sleep.

I called a couple of people that night. I was mostly eager to talk to an aunt that went through the same thing. She mostly talked about her situations and told me what to expect. It was needed. Even though I wasn't thrilled about hearing it. But listening to someone else's experience and outcomes of a few situations, helped me put into perspective what could happen so that I'm not freaking out. It also helped my decision to try and deliver the baby at home. My other option was a D&C, and that's something I really wanted to avoid, if at all possible.

I ended up taking a shower before going to bed. It was so nice. I probably sobbed the entire time. It was so needed. It felt so great, to just let it out. Cry until I couldn't cry anymore. I talked with God and even apologized to the little baby. I'm still not sure why. Maybe because I felt bad that I couldn't carry him. Maybe because I thought that he suffered. However, I quickly turned back to God. I told myself that he's much better off where he is right now, in Heaven. He's not suffering, he's waiting with Jesus. Waiting to meet his family someday.

I can't even to begin to describe all the feeling and emotions I went through during that shower. I must have felt everything at that one moment. It was very intense! I actually slept that night. I think the sheer exhaustion from Jordan's weekend and finding out our news just made me collapse. Autumn did wake up in the middle of the night and I was happy to nurse her. I actually felt more love for her at that moment than I did when she was born. I immediately thanked God for giving us this healthy, beautiful little girl (without any complications at all). Autumn actually gave me more comfort at that moment as well. Knowing that I'm capable of carrying a baby to full term makes me feel somewhat better about the situation at hand.

Wednesday we ended up going to my doctor's office. I originally had an ultra sound appointment to determine a due date, followed by a visit with one of their doctor's. But we had to switch to another doctor. I was comfortable with this doctor. I've had him before. This time was weird though. He came in and gave me a pelvic exam. Determined that my uterus was around 10 weeks. So his first conclusion was that he wanted to go ahead and proceed with the D&C. I refused. I told him that I would really prefer to deliver at home, if my body could handle it. He told me that at 8 weeks he would say go ahead. 10 weeks made him super uncomfortable (and he really, really stressed that). 12 weeks, absolutely not. Then he proceeded to tell me what I should expect from there. Talked about how I will probably bleed so much that a pad won't even hold it (even mentioned using a towel) and about taking ibuprofen. Did I mention that he actually told me where to buy it, the quantity and how much it costs? Sigh... Whatever, I was so ready to be done with him and his appointment. He suggested that we wait a week, see what happens, then talk about a possible D&C then. I agreed.

So I'm checking out from the doctor's office. Rescheduled with another doctor ;-) And it hit me, I was promised another ultra sound when I got here! To make sure that my uterus was ok and things are progressing. I was hurt, that I didn't get another one. Out of the corner of my eye I notice the ultra sound tech, Kelly. She quickly ran over to me and mentioned that she was super thrilled about seeing me on her schedule. Then I was gone and moved to another doctor. She was confused and found out that I had a miscarriage. She felt horrible and immediately I started crying. So she took me to another room, gave me a hug and asked me how I was doing and what I needed. I told her that I really wanted another ultra sound. The one we had at the urgent care center was too fast. I felt nothing and felt like I wasn't cared about. I really wanted to say 'bye' to our little baby. Kelly did just that. Gave me my ultra sound. Took the time to explain what we were seeing. The head, the arms and feet. I even noticed how much the inside of my uterus went down! Cut down in almost half. So it made me feel a lot better about my decision at delivering at home. When we were almost done, Kelly asked me if she could pray for us. What a woman! She's amazing. I felt so loved, treasured and felt like someone (in the hospital industry) actually cared about me and my feelings. I will never forget what Kelly did for me that day. It was so needed! God knew what I needed at that time and sent Kelly to me. I am forever grateful for her.

The next few days we spent waiting. The tears came and went. At times I actually felt numb. It didn't bother me seeing newborns or pregnant women and I didn't understand why. I still don't. Is it because I turned to God right away? Is it because I don't care? Is it because I really haven't hit the grieving process yet? I don't know. I was a little nervous about sharing this information with others. Especially some clients. But you know... I'm not ashamed. This happens to so many women on a daily basis! I'm not disappointed for sharing the news of my pregnancy on my blog. I feel like God provided this blog for me to help others (which I have so much already). So why can't I share my experience through this miscarriage in hopes that I help one woman through this process?

Friday night is when it started. I took a shower after Autumn went down for bed. Then the regular cramping started shortly after (around 9pm). We went to bed shortly after and the cramping continued. Progressively got stronger, but it didn't prevent me from sleeping. Autumn woke up at 12:30am and I noticed that my pad was full. So I nursed her back to sleep and changed my pad. Jordan then got a random text message from facebook. So I got up and went to check it because his phone will beep all night long if you don't stop it. As soon as I stood up, whoosh! Instantly filled the pad! Ugh... I honestly was really annoyed at that time. So I went upstairs and changed my pad, again. Went back to bed and that's when it hit me. A cramp that hurt so bad, it was definitely comparable to a contraction! I forgot how painful those things were. Poor Jordan. His arm probably had nail marks from me digging into his skin, but he didn't remember (thank goodness). Then, shortly after, I felt a huge POP and then a gush of fluid. Shortly followed by a huge relief. I never felt better. So again, I ran upstairs to change, yet again, into another pad (this was at 1:15am).

As I was sitting there, I noticed a grayish/pinkish blob on my pad. I knew that the doctor's wanted some sort of tissue sample, so I gently grabbed it with a kleenex. As soon as the turned the kleenex over, I immediately knew what it was. It was our baby! Laying there, so peaceful. So small! He was about the size of my thumb nail. What drew me in was his eyes. So dark, so defined. I couldn't believe I was holding our child!!! I sat the kleenex down and immediately went to tears. I got what I wanted. Delivered him at home. And yet I felt so empty. He was gone. He wasn't apart of me anymore. I will never get to know him here on earth. I was instantly brought back to when I hear the news. The world stopped, I couldn't breathe. I never felt so incomplete in my life! I again, immediately turned to God. Asked him for some strength, some comfort and that what I'm about to endure next will pass quickly and without complications.

My dad was still awake at this time. So I showed him our little baby. We brought him back to the bathroom and started taking pictures. I then went downstairs to Jordan to tell him what happened. However, it was quickly interrupted with a quick rush to the upstairs bathroom, with a towel in hand. I literally had a pool of blood in my pad. Then everything else started coming. Tissues, clots, placenta, who else knows. It was so uncomfortable and quite honestly, gross. I didn't like that feeling at all. I was really hoping that it passed quickly at this point.

I called the doctor on call shortly after 1:30am. The doctor on call was my own doctor (which was great). I told her that I was losing a lot of blood. I couldn't even wear a pad because it was coming so fast. I was definitely sporting a towel, with my dad's oversized robe (it was the closest thing I had). She told me that I should wait about an hour and if the bleeding didn't let up, then I had to go into the ER. My dad called my mom at work and let her know what happened. She told me that she could come home and bring us in if need be. Jordan wasn't able to drive and someone needed to be home with Autumn. I called my mom around 2:45 to let her know that the bleeding wasn't letting up. I was starting to feel weak and super light headed. She told me to give it another 30 min and if it didn't let up then, that we were gonna go in. 3:15 rolls around and it's actually worse. I felt so gross. I wanted this done! I got what I wanted, why did it have to continue like this? My mom was able to come home and bring us into the ER.

We get there around 4:15am. Did I mention that I'm still sporting my dad's oversized robe and bright red fuzzy socks? ;-) Sexy! Do you think I cared? NO! After getting checked in and all that fun stuff, I get hooked up to an IV. Ugh! I hate them. They had to do blood work as well. I was already light headed from losing so much blood, then nervous about needles, not to mention the blood they had to take for tests, just sent me over the edge. I never felt worse in my life. I honestly thought I was gonna die! I was laying down flat (just in case I passed out) and I just felt worse than worse. Thought I was gonna be sick and then my ears started ringing. I cried out and mentioned that I was beyond super naucious and the nurse went and checked to see if he could get me anything. I asked for the lights to be turned down along with a cold wash cloth. Then apologized because I thought I was so demanding (everyone reassured me that I wasn't). Then nurse came back with the good drugs and after a few seconds, I was feeling so much better!!!!

I then get another pelvic exam (good thing they don't really bother me) and the PA actually went in and scrapped out a lot of blood clots. It looked like there was a lot on the table, but it was nothing compared to what I've already passed. The PCA who was helping was such a sweetheart. Even though I don't mind pelvic exams, this was by far the most uncomfortable. The PA had to twist and turn the little tube thingy to make sure he got everything. The PCA saw that I was uncomfortable and placed her hand on my arm. I could tell that she knew how I felt and it made me feel better. Then the PA had to feel my uterus... Oh... My... WORD!!!! I wanted to jump out of my skin. Oh yes, I knew my uterus was there. THANKS FOR REMINDING ME!!!! :-/ After we were almost finished, the PCA mentioned that she too had a miscarriage and that they see them way too often in the ER. She knew what I felt and what I was going through and that made me feel so much better.

The PA explained that everything looked pretty good. I wasn't hemouraging and only had those handful of clots. He didn't think that we needed to do a D&C, but he still wanted to keep an eye on me for a little bit. A couple of liters of fluid later, I was feeling much better. I wasn't passing as much blood, I wasn't as light headed and my cramps were getting a little more tolerable. I was able to go home around 8am.

I am now on slight bed rest. I'm told to take it easy, so my sister is here helping Autumn right now. I have gone down in bleeding and praying that it continues to go down. I have another doctor's appointment on Thursday to make sure that everything's still ok and talk about where we go from here. That is, if I don't have to go in for complications before then.

I'm sure you've noticed that I've called the baby "he" throughout this blog. I felt that he was a boy from the beginning of the pregnancy. Same way I felt that Autumn was a girl as soon as I found out with her. I feel that this will help with my grieving process that I treat him like a human being. Jordan and I also decided to name him. His name is Zakary, which means "the Lord remembers". We thought it was fitting because the Lord remembers and knows every baby before their even conceived! Little Zakary is in a tiny box from the mother's day necklace Jordan got me. We will end up burrying him sometime next week along with a weeping cherry tree in his honor. Since we don't have our own home right now, he will be going to my grandparents. And since a weeping cherry tree is easily transported, we will be able to move it to our own home in the future.

This is a lot to take in. I'm still dealing with it. It not something that one can get over so easily, but I feel that talking about it and sharing it with you will help. I would never wish this upon anyone and pray that I will never experience this again. But God has a plan for everything. I feel it's already bringing Jordan and I closer! It's also helped me open up to him and others more, which I've always had a hard time with. I constantly live by the verse Jeremiah 29:11. I hold it dear to my heart and find that it has brought me comfort throughout all the trails and sufferings that I've been through.

Rest In Peace little Zakary! Mommy and Daddy love you and will never forget you!